Copyright Bettina Braesch-Andersen This post was moved here 10 March 2011 after too much traffic at Mona-Lisa blogg. That blog is a sanctuary. The post needed also another ending since time changes perspective. Read comments below
Peter Pan said "never say good bye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting".
I agree in Peter Pan - but not the way he intended his statement. Without saying good bye it is so much worse to "forget" and leave and go into next state of life. There is a reason for that ritual. A good reason. To prepare for life without the one you loved or a "just" a friend. That is why we have funerals. That is why we say good bye.
Not to be allowed or having the possibility to say good bye is bad for all kind of separation. I know for sure since I lost two friends this year. Both processes are similar and at the same time so very different. None gave the chance to good bye. Who have the chance say something before you are hit by a train in 100 km per hour?
I will never forbid anyone to say good bye no matter what has happened. I will never refuse anyone to come to mine or my families funeral either. Because if you not let people say good bye you only create ghost seeking for answers and internal peace. And what or whom does that help?
I think last months has proved that in many ways. Involuntarily and without my intention it has. I can still see the footprints...
Two persons who had had a feud for ten years shake hands at a relatives funeral. The world stood still for ten seconds. All surrounding people were breathless. Afterwards the combats refused to go for "church coffee" together but that was OK. They didn´t need to like each other - just accept each others needs to farewell. And shaking hand was a respectful way of showing it to the diseased and her family.
We were all united that day in grief. Nothing could stop us to gather. At last funeral there were 400 persons in the church. We got stronger together...it is easier when you´re not alone.
I am so grateful for the support I have got from every body last month. But I am partly still in a transit hall...and that hurts too. I have too many colours in my palette. Too many shades of grey to decide what is right or wrong and who´s not worth my attention, anger, fear, love, empathy, friendship or what so ever.
I have fun at work. Lots of nice things is happening me. I can now mostly wake up in the morning and feel lust for life again. But other days are much harder.
I realize that to be able connect to people is necessary for the human race but sometimes I wish I could handle relations without any kind of attachment. Strictly "friends business" - a social NSA (non-string-attached) is what I probably need for many years from now on.
If you ever comes into a situation when you´re not allowed to say good-bye. For example you may not turn up at a hospital where a friend is dying, you are unable to go to a funeral, you are not being allowed to say good-bye or you simply ave a hard time leaving a problem or life situation - create your own ceremony. If possible share it with some friends. Or perform it all alone.
Decide it will be the final ceremony. But if you fail - remember we all are human beings and we constantly fail. Do that ceremony again...in time it will work. I know it will.
The replacement Theory (more about grief)
Mona-Lisa and her friend died 18 years old in the railways accident 9 September 2010 at Stenungsund.
2 comments:
Republishing this post here in public since old blog where it once was written is a private one about Mona-Lisa. Lately there has been some traffic anyhow to that blog. To stop that I put the post here in the "light". It obviously seems worth reading and it also needed a new ending since time changes perspective.
That water colour on top is my youngest one as kid. She very often sat with her dolls or teddy bear in that way. Time goes quickly.
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