Copyright Bettina Braesch-Andersen This post was moved here 10 March 2011 after too much traffic at Mona-Lisa blogg. That blog is a sanctuary. The post needed also another ending since time changes perspective. Read comments below
Peter Pan said "never say good bye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting".
I agree in Peter Pan - but not the way he intended his statement. Without saying good bye it is so much worse to "forget" and leave and go into next state of life. There is a reason for that ritual. A good reason. To prepare for life without the one you loved or a "just" a friend. That is why we have funerals. That is why we say good bye.
Not to be allowed or having the possibility to say good bye is bad for all kind of separation. I know for sure since I lost two friends this year. Both processes are similar and at the same time so very different. None gave the chance to good bye. Who have the chance say something before you are hit by a train in 100 km per hour?
I will never forbid anyone to say good bye no matter what has happened. I will never refuse anyone to come to mine or my families funeral either. Because if you not let people say good bye you only create ghost seeking for answers and internal peace. And what or whom does that help?
I think last months has proved that in many ways. Involuntarily and without my intention it has. I can still see the footprints...
Two persons who had had a feud for ten years shake hands at a relatives funeral. The world stood still for ten seconds. All surrounding people were breathless. Afterwards the combats refused to go for "church coffee" together but that was OK. They didn´t need to like each other - just accept each others needs to farewell. And shaking hand was a respectful way of showing it to the diseased and her family.
We were all united that day in grief. Nothing could stop us to gather. At last funeral there were 400 persons in the church. We got stronger together...it is easier when you´re not alone.
I am so grateful for the support I have got from every body last month. But I am partly still in a transit hall...and that hurts too. I have too many colours in my palette. Too many shades of grey to decide what is right or wrong and who´s not worth my attention, anger, fear, love, empathy, friendship or what so ever.
I have fun at work. Lots of nice things is happening me. I can now mostly wake up in the morning and feel lust for life again. But other days are much harder.
I realize that to be able connect to people is necessary for the human race but sometimes I wish I could handle relations without any kind of attachment. Strictly "friends business" - a social NSA (non-string-attached) is what I probably need for many years from now on.
If you ever comes into a situation when you´re not allowed to say good-bye. For example you may not turn up at a hospital where a friend is dying, you are unable to go to a funeral, you are not being allowed to say good-bye or you simply ave a hard time leaving a problem or life situation - create your own ceremony. If possible share it with some friends. Or perform it all alone.
Decide it will be the final ceremony. But if you fail - remember we all are human beings and we constantly fail. Do that ceremony again...in time it will work. I know it will.
The replacement Theory (more about grief)
Mona-Lisa and her friend died 18 years old in the railways accident 9 September 2010 at Stenungsund.
"there is also another side of the other side" I read on Twitter a few days ago. A fact I sometimes think I am too aware of.
In general I chose not to draw any conclusions about occurrences, problems & happenings I do not know enough about. My kids hate me for this since I never take any ones side when discussing "external" relational problems. I say "the only thing we are sure about is that we only know a fraction of what is needed". So why then even bother to judge other peoples acts & behaviours?
But sometimes when things get too bad I have had another strategy. But it doesn´t work all the time.
Original post written May 2010
The reason why I republish this post is that I feel this is a dilemma I will experience again. And probably you too...
Why do we always struggle to understand?
I wonder so.
Why can’t we just rest in the fact that some things are not understandable? Like where the universe stops? Why do so many people starve? Why is there such a thing as war? Or why do my kid wants homemade lunch for the day trip tomorrow instead of a prefabricated salad in a hygienically box?
I use to think that if you have a lot of observations and riddles in life you cannot make fit together – find a few possible solutions and then pick one. Be content with that choice. Never admit you chosed the wrong one. Stick to it and be happy! But today I cannot make such a choice. For a long while I haven’t been able to comprehend a few things in my life. I have been lost in my self and a mind drowning in lots of “whys” and “wonderings”. I haven’t been able to pick one solution and be happy with it.
A few days ago I picked up the coin, tossed it furiously up in the air and it landed with the other side up. And there it was. The solution. It had been there all the time - I just had been blindfolded to see it. The other side of the coin.
For the first time in my life I have come to a point where I resign. I will never understand and that is nothing bad. I lie happily - well almost - on my air mattress on the ocean of non-understanding and not comprehending. The weather is perhaps no the best but it will get warmer. It is calm and the sea gives peace in my mind. And the rippling waves makes my muscles relax.
There are things I will never understand and I finally accept I can live my life without it. I think it is better than locking my mind in something that is wrong. And I feel content about it…well mostly anyhow.
It is like when reading a big nice book. The journey is enough – I do not need to know the end of the saga. I do not need to understand every word, every course of events or every character of that book. With an open mind and a good author I do not need to rush. Like when I for the first time read Steinbeck’s “Sweet Thursday”. I cried when I finished that book.
If one day I find the answer myself…
I will never admit it to myself. I will keep it to myself and presume I have locked my mind into wrong conclusion. And I will be happy with that.
If one day anyone tells me the answer …
I will perhaps even refuse to accept it. Who knows – I can be damn stubborn.
If one day anyone can tell me the answer…
I´d like to have a choice - to listen or not to listen. Or else I might come to a point where the almost same amount of work has to be done once again. And I will simply not manage it once again.
Nevertheless – I think I wish to get that choice one day. In time. After a year. Or When I´m old and gray haired mama. Or in next life. Who knows. But not now. That is for sure. I simply cannot recalculate all informations once again. I think...
Until then – the day that probably never will come - the day I’m not waiting for - I stick to my air mattress and the ripples of the ocean. And I will be happy.
When I came home from work something really non-comprehensible was happening in my kitchen. Big kid was cooking American pancakes for dinner. And there was three times as much than needed. So lunch for tomorrow’s day trip is ready.
One month later I finally understood the true meaning of what a Japanese koan is.
A koan is a riddle where there is no answer. It is the question that is wrong or the perspective of the problem.
Art on top: Kjell Engman´s Contradictory
9 dec 2010, three months and three lanterns
You think you are brave and have come over the worse. You feel life is coming back to you.You feel more happiness than misery. You think you never will feel the same again. You think you have got over it. The ranting riddles in your brain has started to slumber. You feel peace.
Some thing you never get over. You just pretend. You just manage to chop the sorrows down into small pieces and process them in a time sharing way.
You cry just a few minutes on the highway then you are yourself. Or in bed all alone when you go to sleep far too late. Next morning you cannot almost remember you cried. You let the sunshine in again.
Some losses you can get over. Some losses are screaming in your hearth for ever.
Some friends are replaceable. Others are not.
I am happy having found out the "replacement theory" works for parts in life. I have known it all the time. Others cannot be replaced. And I do not want them to be replaced.
I am happy having found new energy anyhow
despite I still am crying
Sometimes
Mona-Lisa and her friend died at the railway accident 9 September 2010 at Stenungsund
http://www.thelocal.se/28894/20100909/
